Lyme’s Disease Sucks
I am so ready for this freakin illness to pass. I sit here at the computer with tears in my eyes and an emotional wreck. I just read the heartbreaking story of the Canadian ice skater whose mother died right after her arrival to watch her daughter skate in the Olympics. Just heartbreaking!
And how did I start my day with my daughter? Yelling at her. TV shouldn’t be on before school (the kids have been getting up on their own early and sneaking down to watch it before school, a practice started with the extra week+ off from school with the back-to-back blizzards). She should have packed her backpack and emptied her lunch bag – yesterday! She should have not left her crap all over the floor so her brother wouldn’t trip on it all and smash his knee. She should not shove her dirty clothes from Sunday in a corner of the hallway behind an antique chair and think it’s OK. She should have handed her signed report card back in and trusted me (“But mom, the envelope’s empty!” “No it is not, it has the signed slip in there just like the directions told me to do!!”). She should have her karate equipment bag and uniform ready – weren’t theses all things she told me she did last night? She should have shut her bedroom door because of the gerbil cage (the cat is looking to kill the last one, a fact she is well aware of and refuses to give the gerbil to a safer home).
I feel like some days there is no getting through to her. I know she’s testing me. I know this too shall pass. I know I’m emotional and angry because of the Lyme’s (because it’s too early for PMS ;-). I know my memory is shot and my brain is spotty – but that doesn’t make it any easier. I’m quick to anger, quick to yell and my patience is non-existent.
Who is this monster that yelled at her kids from almost the second she got up until the second they went out the door – barely catching the school bus in time because apparently toothbrushing time is time to make fart noises, chat, make funny faces in the mirror, spit with exaggerated noises and generally drive mom fucking crazy.
Pete is on a business trip, and while that is not an odd occurrence and this trip is short, he is the buffer between me and the kids when I’m on edge like this.
Ahh…here come the tears again… that poor skater. Worked her whole life with her mother by her side cheering her on – to lose her from a massive heart attack two days before she is to compete in the Olympics.
I hate being sick. I hate being weak. I hate how what I can’t see can effect my day to day life in such a devastating way. The tubes in my arm suck and I miss my baths. I shower twice a week now due to the ordeal of wrapping my arm in plastic and worrying about exposing the dressing to water and it sucks.
Where will my relationship with my daughter be in a few years? Will she be a teenager and hate me? The kids talk about me like I’m some mean monster who makes them do things they hate and yet as a parent my job is to teach them the skills they need to become a responsible adult who can contribute to society – not be their buddy. We’ll be their buddies when they are 24 and living on their own, right?
I want to hug my daughter now and say I’m sorry. I tapped her on the check to today – I can’t say smacked because that is not what I did. I didn’t leave a mark and I didn’t do it hard. It was calm and deliberate. I held her face in both my hands and then pulled one back and gave her a light tap on the cheek. I even told her I was going to do it. I told her she had to snap out of the world she’s in and start to be aware – to think – to act responsibly – to act her age.
She, of course, burst in to tears and said I hit her. I calmly explained that if I had hit her she’d be on the floor and that a hit usually leaves a mark behind. I explained that I did it to get through to her – to embarrass her – and then I talked to her about how I hate the fact that yelling and humiliation seems to be the only things that get through to her. I made an impression all right. But was it the right one?
I’m not one of those parents that thinks a child should never be spanked – and there is a hug difference between spanking and hitting and if you don’t know that then YOU need serious help. But at age 9, my daughter hasn’t been spanked in years. Spanking in our house was brought on by deliberate acts to hurt someone else (meaning when at age five she put both legs together and donkey kicked her three-year-old brother in the stomach and launched him across the room in front of me because he was bothering her) or when they do something that could potential be life-threatening to themselves (like when they are three and run into the road – they may not understand the fear of cars, but they will understand the fear of spanking for doing it).
So here I am… sitting in front of the computer. Off to a crappy start to a crappy day. I’m going to log off and get done all the things I’ve been putting off. Try to get my head on straight and shake this fog of anger and tears associated with the Lyme’s. The doctor told me it would be months before I was back to normal and that’s IF the meds work this time. I’ve got ten more days of the IV drip and while I would have said last week I was doing great, it’s pretty apparent today that’s not the deal.
I am such a controlled and rational person that I can’t stand what this freaking disease is doing to me. My behavior has spiraled out of control and I need to give myself a timeout. I’m going to step back from the computer for a few days. I’m never down and I’m never out. This is just a set back and I’ll bounce back. I need to get my priorities straight and reconnect with my kids.
Oh – and if you read this – try not to judge me too harshly. Walk a mile in my three-diseases-in one-year shoes and then we’ll talk.
Let’s all cheer on that skater from Canada tonight. While I have a chance to fix things with my kids and get my life firmly back on track, that young woman will forever have her dream of the olympics tainted by the loss of her mother. She’s a brave and strong young woman and competing is exactly what her mother would have wanted her to do.
Off to dry my eyes and give my self the kick in the pants I need. Lyme’s disease will not defeat me and it will not destroy my family. Messed up autoimmune system that seems to be buckling under some stupid tick bacteria aside, I simply will not allow it.