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Better than being Dead

September 15, 2009

Well…hmm… how to start. My thoughts are scattered right now and I’m not sure what to say. My health has been up and down the past few years – which is what started this magically journey of writing my book, Vampire Vacation.

Reading is an escape for me and writing turned into the ultimate time consuming escape. Everything falls to the wayside in my mind. Being sick, running to the bathroom, medical tests, blood work, fasting for more procedures… all of it.
I’m feeling so overwhelmed right now that my eyes are filling with tears. I’ve been ignoring some minor foot-falling-asleep episodes for months. Figured it was my position at the desk, sitting cross-legged in my chair, result from sheer laziness and I’m-out-of-shape — whatever.
Now my pinkie on my left hand is going numb/tingling for 6 to 8 hours a day. Doctor says it could be a vitamin deficiency, could be related to Celiac’s with my auto-immune system battling my central nervous system, could be related to diabetes (meaning I may be boderline or have it, who knows).
But my doctor threw out a whole nother kettle of fish into the mix – Multiple Slcerosis (MS). Her concerns were a healthy woman in her thirties having night vision issues, tingling numbness in her extremities with my EE and Celiac’s. Said it was a strong possibility.
Before I bawl my eyes out I’ll wait for the neurologist to say something – which of course will be after weeks of more tests – CT/brain scans and possible spinal taps to extract fluid for testing. Ahh… the joys, eh?
My mom is always my voice of reason in any storm. She pointed out that if I have an issue with Celiac’s and absorption of nutrition b/c of it, that perhaps it really is the vitamin deficiency. I’m hoping for that.
Seriously, what are my chances of having MS? Got to be pretty damn slim, I’d say. I’m torn between wanting to run screaming from the house, cry my eyes out or punch a wall.
Think I’ll lock it all away in my mind right now, dry my eyes, take some deep breaths and head out to get the rest of the the supplements suggested – and the dratted epi-pen that I’ve put off admitting I need for months. Oh, and ignore my tingling pinkie. After all, it’s a fairly useless finger anyway.
No matter what – the one thing I need to focus on above all else is this:
It’s better than being dead.
C.J.
P.S. The mini-rats in my library/office are getting to me. They burrow and scratch and I find them distracting and annoying. Why do people get gerbils for pets? They suck.
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